Reviews are freaking pointless

I’ve noticed a trend lately in podcasting. There is a significant increase in the number of “Podcast review” podcasts. Instead of producing their own content many of these shows rely on everyone else’s content to do their own show. Oddly enough this method of podcasting seems to work very well. Fellow podcasters submit their podcast into the review queue, with a secret to desire to be praised and put up on a podcast pedestol, or more importantly to do a little self-promotion. Exactly what qualifies these review podcasts to be any sort of credible source? Did they receive a mandate from the podcast hierarchy that their solemn tasks is to filter out the good from the bad. There is alot to be taken into consideration when listening to a review of any sort. Most importantly is the reviewers personal preference, if historically this reviewer enjoys family safe podcasts and hates profanity laced podcasts, then there’s a pretty good chance that their going to ALWAYS hate a podcast filled with profanity. This review is only relevant to someone with the exact preferences of the reviewer. The act of reviewing and rating podcasts is almost a certain way to gain popularity in the numerous “top whatever gazillion” podcast ranking system you subscribe to. Inevitably podcasters want feedback, whether they can or cannot attain that desired feedback from the listening audience, the idea of getting their podcast reviewed guarantees some sort of feedback. After one podcast gets reviewed another fellow podcaster will look at that review and say to themselves…”I bet I could get a better review then that”…then they will submit their podcast for review. Before long you have an endless cycle of competition for the best review, this will undoubtedly draw attention from the podosphere because somewhere in this coo of audio listenership, you have gained an audience by simply saying what you do and don’t like. That’s like getting a prize when you say to the eye doctor “I think number 2 was better….or was it number 1, ah I don’t know for sure.”  In my own humble opinion, I think that anyone who relies on reviews to choose ANYTHING demonstrates a lack of adventure and a lack of free will to choose for yourself what YOU like and what YOU don’t like. Much like reviewing podcasts is the concept of the Podcast award. My following thoughts and comments come in regards to the Podcast Awards that were handed out last month. I can’t even begin to comprehend how such an award with such a faulty voting system can mean anything to anyone. In this award you were encouraged to vote everyday. What is the deal with that? Voting shouldn’t be a daily task, a burden now installed into my daily routine. Obviously this voting system originated in Florida. For a community as small as podcasting…and yes it is still a small community, an award simply doesn’t have as much affect as some might desire. A lot of Award winners are flaunting their podcast as “award-winning” This in reality has about the same significance as an employee of the month developing a god complex. It’s not that big of a deal, you won an award, however I have a hard time looking back ten years from now and seeing your names in the record books, color me cynical but I think the Nobel peace prize is always going to be on a higher level then any podcast award.

Actually, you know what, I take it all back. See I don’t want anything I’ve said to persuade you to do anything that you normally wouldn’t do. I don’t want you to stop listening to podcast review podcasts; I don’t want you to start listening to them either. I don’t want you to stop participating in voting for a podcast award, and I don’t want you to start if you had no intention. I just want you to stop and think about things for yourself. YOU have an opinion; you should be able to decide what is crap and what is not. YOU have the right to like something whether it gets a good review, or whether it is award winning. Don’t allow your own opinion on ANYTHING to be jeopardized simply because other “Qualified” people tell you what is good and what is not. Be your own person. When all is said and done ALL podcasters are just people sitting behind a microphone making a show they hope listeners will be attracted to and like. Don’t come into something with a preprogrammed idea. Just be your own person with your own thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

Hey Pepto Bismol

Hey Pepto-Bismol!

 

Serving as the Swiss army knife of the medicine cabinet, Pepto-Bismol has been helping America fight stomach sickness since the early 1900s. Most everyone has experienced the unmistakable chalky bubble gum taste that is Pepto. Though it is a well known product its history might just surprise you. While today Pepto is used for common non-serious stomach problems resulting from strange foods or other conditions, its first use was to treat a serious medical illness. At the start of the 20^th century a frightening disease was present known as “cholera infantum” This disease targeted babies and infants with horrible diarrhea, vomiting, and in some cases even death. Frustrated with a lack of medication a Doctor in New York concocted his own formula for treatment of cholera infantum. His formula was called Bismosal. The Norwich Pharmaceutical Company first listed Bismosal: Mixture Cholera Infantum in their mail order catalogue in 1901. In 1919 Bismosal’s name was changed to Pepto-Bismol in order to encourage use by adults and not just for infants and babies. Pepto-Bismol quickly became Norwich’s leading nonprescription drug. In 1982 Pepto came under control of Procter & Gamble, who made it available in several countries worldwide.

            I had an idea several years back that has to do with Pepto-Bismol. I thought to myself. Wouldn’t it be funny to switch out the Pepto with strawberry milk and then chug it like crazy all while in heavily populated places? Just imagine it, you’re sitting on a bench in a mall, much to your chagrin a quiet man sits down next to you quietly and produces what seems to be a bottle of Pepto-Bismol from a coat jacket. He then proceeds to take several large gulps. This might strike you as a bit odd, but I think everyone could understand this stranger’s upset stomach which he is treating with a quick gulp of the Pepto and yeah it’s a little strange he carries around a bottle with him, but whatever, maybe he just couldn’t get a hold of any tablets. Several minutes pass and this quiet stranger starts drinking more of the Pepto…so much that he appears to be chugging the remainder of the bottle in one fluid motion. When the bottle leaves his lips a loud Ahhh! Is heard as well as a smacking of the lips all indicating that he thoroughly enjoyed the Pepto. At this point you’re curiosity is running rampant. Why is this freak chugging Pepto all while appearing to be fine. Does he love the taste; is he just simply drinking it because he wants to? You shake off the curiosity and continue reading your magazine or people watching, anything to avoid eye contact…you’re .trying to prevent a certain awkward conversation with the stranger. You’re clever rouse is successful for a couple minutes…but inevitably you look back in his direction, not directly but through the corner of your eyes. To your dismay you see the stranger looking side to side almost making sure no one is watching him, synonymous of someone participating in suspicious behavior. When he is content that no one is paying attention to him he produces ANOTHER full bottle of Pepto from his coat jacket, cracks the lid, gives one last cautious look and chugs the bottle in one gulp looking much like a thirsty wanderer in the desert who has just been handed a cold pitcher of water after several days of cotton mouth. This is probably the time when you conveniently remember you have to be somewhere…mainly anywhere but next to this complete freak.

            You see, I secretly strive to be this stranger. Going around doing harmless things to provoke a general sense of oddity and give people around me crazy stories to tell their friends. I know what you’re thinking. It wouldn’t work because strawberry milk isn’t thick enough right? Yeah you are right, that why you have to add a little bit of milk thickener that you would use in baby milk formula. Just the right amount would give you the perfect consistency to really freak people out. Here’s another funny idea for ways to make people give you odd looks. Go to a McDonalds or something, a place where they serve strawberry milkshakes. Order your milkshake and sit in a corner of a heavily populated seating area. Make sure you look overly suspicious. Ideally you’d be wearing a long jacket, a fedora and of course dark dark sunglasses. You’re going to want to be alone on this because it adds to your mysterious vibe. When it’s obvious that there are people looking in your general direction. do the suspicious looking from side to side and produce from your jacket a bottle of “Pepto”. After giving several more cautionary glances lift the edge of the plastic lid on your milk shake and pour some of your “Pepto” into the shake. Ideally the people now looking at you might not know that you have a milkshake at all, for all they know you’re drinking sprite or coke. Imagine the confused looks on their faces when they see a mysterious stranger mixing Pepto into his drink. It is very important to pour Pepto into the shake several times…all of course while looking around suspiciously…as if your Pepto is something illegal. See this is just plain harmless fun sure to give witnesses a colorful story to tell all they see. Tales of the crazy mysterious Pepto guy in the corner. On the flip side of my idea there’s the whole putting actual Pepto-Bismol in an empty bottle of strawberry milk...while sure to put a funny look on someone’s face expecting a nice big gulp of strawberry milk. I find my first way more affective on so many more levels.

I don’t know if you’re experienced this before, but those Pepto tablets can turn your tongue black. When I say black I don’t mean a darker shade of red. I mean pitch black. Not knowing this, I woke up one morning and got the crap scared out of me when I started brushing me teeth. I kept spitting this black stuff with my used toothpaste. I was dumbfounded. Was there something on my toothbrush? Nope. I opened my mouth and looked in the mirror. My tongue was completely black. I thought I had the plague. After several moments of freaking out I jumped on the internet and found the culprit...the Pepto tables I’d taken the previous night. The black wore off my tongue in a couple of days. Just imagine the fun you could have with your kids if their having an upset stomach. “Here Johnny take one of these tablets, get into bed and I’ll tell you a bedtime story”. Tell little Johnny about the bubonic plague and randomly drop in something about how a black tongue appeared on those who contracted the plague. After kissing him goodnight, let the Pepto take its course. The next morning you will probably awake to screams of terror from little Johnny when he discovers HIS tongue is completely black. Certainly he has somehow contracted the plague. Now would be a good time to inform little Johnny that a certain cure for the plague is cleaning up his room and doing his chores. Upon the completion of these tasks, casually remember that Pepto tablets turned his tongue black and not the bubonic plague. It’ll be fun. Though it will only work once, it will be 100% affective. Just don’t send me the psychiatrist bill. After all is said and done I hope you will remember all these historical facts and useful ideas whenever you “think pink”.

 

Pass the Mushroom Paste?

Pass the mushroom paste?

Ketchup is the condiment king. Thing is, you might not necessarily know some interesting facts about ketchup. Despite what you might think, tomatoes weren’t always an ingredient in ketchup. In the 1800’s ketchup was the given name to any sauce made with vinegar. Even up until 1913 Webster’s dictionary defined ketchup as a table sauce made from mushrooms, tomatoes, walnuts, etc. I don’t think I’d have the heart to dip my fries into a fine mushroom sauce. I think this form of ketchup would loose the appeal.
Fortunately however tomatoes were soon adopted as the key ingredient over mushrooms. Henry J. Heinz fascination with condiments started at an early age. By age 9 he was selling his own brand of horseradish sauce, at age ten he was given a _ acre garden where grew and sold vegetables. By age 17 Heintz was grossing $2,400 a year. This is a pretty good amount of money for a seventeen year old in this time period. After several failed business partnerships, the H J Heintz Company was founded as was its still famous slogan “57 varieties” Thanks to the pursuits of Henry J Heintz a ketchup bottle became a popular resident in the America kitchen.
Along with progress comes problems, such is the case with the current distribution method of ketchup, the glass bottle. Even today you can still find glass bottles of ketchup; however the same problem still exists. Trying to get the ketchup out in a smooth un globbulated pattern. There are several approaches to this conundrum that I am aware of. The first method is to beat the hell out of the upside down ketchup bottle hoping that pure physical abuse will persuade the ketchup bottle to expel itself on your burger or fries. Typically the beating the ketchup bottle is the first step. After becoming horribly frustrated you decide that if the ketchup won’t come to you, you must in turn go to the ketchup. Typically a knife is the primary tool to jab violently inside the bottle and the condensed paste until it surrenders to gravity and tops your meal. I’ve always been thoroughly frightened by the look on people’s faces while jabbing the knife rapidly inside the bottle. I think there’s definitely a wild animal desperation present in the twinkle of their eyes. Thankfully the plastic squeeze bottle soon emerged making the task of getting ketchup a much easier task, also allowing us to further bottle up our accumulated stress and frustration for other condiments…like mayonnaise…damn you mayonnaise!
2000 produced a stunning revolution to the world of ketchup. Why not change ketchups color. Such a simple idea with such a dramatic effect on society. At first fear, then curiosity, then a general acceptance. “What is this blue ketchup….is it ketchup made from blueberries…or this…this green ketchup…do they make this with green tomatoes…are the fried green tomatoes….this is so strange!” Well there really isn’t much of a mystery at all, basically the right amounts of food coloring is the simple culprit behind the colored ketchup phenomenon. Soon other food items like butter would try to capitalize on the colored ketchups success….damn you butter! Apparently as of this month Heintz plans to discontinue the colored ketchup phenomenon, satisfied that their color switch attracted attention and a new found affection from this staple of American condiment…cy…er…uh….ology?
Speaking as a grocery stocker I spent a good amount of time down on my knees for ketchup……….stocking the shelves that is. I noticed that Heintz had a marketing idea to brand every so odd number of ketchup bottles with different slogan-like phrases. These were very subtle and were easily overlooked as normal labels such as “serve with fries”. Apparently a new celebrity line of ketchup label phrases are in the works with quotes from William Shattner, Mia Hamm, Terry Bradshaw and even Lindsay Lohan. Shattner’s phrase is labeled as “Fixes burgers at warp speed”. Ah marketing genius in full swing.
Close to marketing is packaging, ketchup can be found in glass bottles, plastic bottles, paper packets, and in fast food restaurants, straight from the tap. I find it strange that unlike soda or beer taps, no one want to put their head underneath the ketchup tap and let that sweet red ooze fill their mouth with tomatoey goodness.
In the 2004 presidential election the world of ketchup was again revisited when John Kerry’s wife Theresa Heintz Kerry…heiress to the Heintz family…became a household name. The Republican Party’s chief supporters…crazy white religious people with hypocritical and questionable morals…decided they needed something to dip their “Freedom Fries”…something that unlike Heintz ketchup wouldn’t leave a nasty democratic taste in their mouth. Solution…W ketchup. This American flag cladden bottle of ketchup comes bursting with patriotic goodness with a huge “W” on the label. The makers claim that the “W” stands for Washington as in George Washington…but it’s an interesting coincidence that George “W” Bush’s known nickname is of course “W”. Instead of boasting 57 varieties, W ketchup places a similar sticker stating 50 states. That’s how I like my politics….on fries.
Being in st.louis we are neighbors to one of the biggest landmarks in ketchupdom. The world’s largest bottle of ketchup is located just across the river in Collinsvill Illinois. This 170 ft water tower modeled after a 1950’s era brooks ketchup bottle pays tribute to ketchups colorful past…physically and metaphorically speaking. Ketchup is part of the American culture and surely will be for years to come. So instead of passing over the mushroom paste, you can now proudly say, “hey could you pass the ketchup”, all while knowing a delectable treat of tomatoey goodness will soon comfort your burgers and fries…carefull though when it comes to hot dogs. Putting ketchup on hot dogs might just get you killed in some parts of the country, but that’s whole nother story all together.