It's raining pig poo

Stalemate. Seems to me, that often these days’ things just aren’t getting done. Look in the political world, more often then not, the wheels just aren’t turning. And road construction…my god…the road construction.  Stuff seems to just be standing still lately in the world around us. I don’t think that this is a coincidence. I believe there is a reason. Scientific research today is focusing on the wrong things. How often do you hear about scientific research in the news about cloning, fuel economy, or even what food we should be eating? Will fuel economy help get construction done, will the next big diet trend help pass the Kyoto protocol. I certainly have my doubts. You see all the scientific research is focusing on the wrong things. Cloning may be the closest scientific venture…even though we can’t seem to get into stem cell research without starting a small revolution. Cloning also may help or aid in my purposed solution.

            We need to somehow find a way to affix or grow wings to a pig. That’s right, apparently various hidden scientific arms of foreign governments…IF not OUR own government, have already beaten us to the punch on putting wings on buffalos. The outcome of our all too often apathetic views in life absolutely relies on us getting wings on pigs. Now of course it’d be easy to get the crazy glue out and some manufactured wing looking things, and rig the process itself. This won’t work though, these wings must be functional, and they must serve their purpose. Unfortunately for all of society the purpose of the wings must be flight. I know I know, it’d be so much easier just to strap on some water wings to the pig and make it float, but as I said, these wings must allow the pig to fly. We’ve all heard the expression “When pigs fly”. Typically this phrase is used in reference to when you plan on doing an assigned or requested task. I’ll give you a hundred dollars… (this is the dramatic segway part of the phrase)…when pigs fly.” Oh such a crushing phrase…the initial buildup that the task may get accomplished, only to be thwarted with the revelation of the time….when pigs fly, a time that doesn’t seem to be in the near future. That phrase really toys with the emotions.

            If scientists can give pigs functional wings and a pig successfully takes to the sky, all these “when pigs fly” statements much actually be done. With figs in flight the use of this phrase would be a verbal contract…therefore if the task is not executed, you might have some type of frivolous lawsuit on your hands. Hence, a motivating force to accomplish tasks. Sure the initial tasks may be minor, like mowing the yard, or buying someone a soda. But just think of the things that would get done as the echelon of requested tasks begins to take off. Foreign relations improving, greenhouse gas emissions being reduced and possibly even world peace! Now to be reasonable let’s just say that scientists can’t figure out a way to give modern pigs wings. What if they begin cross-breeding of pigs and. lets say….oh...hmm…ducks. Say this newly “discovered” beast the Puck…or perhaps the Dig, proved to have the finely tuned ability to fly. It’s important though to do the gene splicing just right though. You want to be absolutely sure that the Puck, or say, the Dig, resembles a pig more so then a duck I mean just imagine the embarrassment if after all this work  the people wouldn’t acknowledge this as being a pig, therefore the whole process would be counterproductive and utterly useless.

            Since the ponderplace tries to be as bipartisan as possible we offer all you stupid “Bushy”, fox news inhaling, GOP MOFO’s a solution….in order to be bipartisan of course. To avoid the cloning/stem cell issues there is a more temporary solution. Rocket packs. That’s right, strap on a jet engine to a pig. Currently humans and extreme conservative republicans…have been trying to develop a human equivalent to the pig rocket pack for a great time. Our military has sunk a ton of money into developing a personal rocket pack. We’ve yet to have a good success to flaming death ratio, therefore strapping a rocket pack on a pig who has no opposable thumbs to manage the controls might be a bit of a stretch imagination. But you know what, don’t let that stop you, You know what, good luck with that, get Tom Delay going on that side project, I’m sure he’ll be looking for work soon. Basically I don’t care how it happens, or who does it, but I think it needs to happen. Once pigs are successfully flying an easy scapegoat of apathy will be eliminated. I know that pigs flying and pigs flying alone cannot change apathetic behavior. It is simply just a first step. That’s right I purpose a whole movement against apathy and its scapegoat phrases. My outlined agenda looks like the following:

 

Monday: Begin talks with Satan to see if Hell can become a cold icy place rather then a scolding hot one. My biggest argument is that Freezer Burn is an acceptable replacement to the Burning by Fire. This will eliminate the common phrases such as “…when hell freezes over” or “it’ll be a cold day in hell when…”.

 

Tuesday: Hold a town hall type meeting at the nomadic cow support shelters in large cities. I will try and persuade these nomadic cows that although the grass may seem greener on this side, the grass will once again be green and tasty on that other side. Hopefully this motivational speech will persuade the cows to return to their home rather then live a troubled life on the road. Thus hopefully eliminating the phrase “…when the cow’s come home”.

 

Wednesday: Begin talks with Jane Goodall and other primate experts on deterring the smallest primate classifiable as a monkey. A preferable primate candidate would be a dark cave dwelling primate. There would be another flight related issue, I will await the scientific outcome of the pigs flying, once they get that worked out, this primate’s small size, it’s living in a dark place, and it’s ability flight…might be an excellent way to eliminate the phrase “…when monkeys fly out of my ass/butt”

 

Thursday: Distribute vast amounts of rope tied in knotts. This is a bit of a long shot, but I have a feeling it may be a good first step to eliminating the phrase…NOT!  By the public having a pocket full of knotts, they could hopefully produce results like the following conversation….

 

Person 1:“Hey would you give me a ride to the post office”

Person 2:”Sure, I’ll give you a ride to the post office….NOT!”

Person 1: (reaches into pocket full of knotts), “Oh sure…here you go.” (hands knot to     person 2)

Person 2: “Oh…uh…right…….ok, fine get in the car.”

 

Friday: Nap.

 

Changing the apathetic minds of this country won’t necessarily be easy, but these innitial baby steps could lead to larger steps, which might just change the world for the better. Or it might not…well….I guess I don’t really care that